Heyyyyyyy, so good to meet
you! Pronouns? Nice chairs. Coffee’s a little pricey. They’re out of oat milk. Caffiene flares my anxiety. Wanna go to my place instead? Do you care if I smoke?
Do you want to trust me?
Here,
I’ll give you all the facts. You decide.
I never feed my cat wet food. I let her
outside and I know better. I’ve let so many plants die because I can’t get up
early enough to water them, or myself. Sometimes I tap past the GoFundMes on my friends’ stories. Oh and I’ve been a
terrible mother to my poetry, like, it’s a whole metaphor:
inducing labor early, birthing barely
conceived words, throwing them to the Instagram feed. Embryos spatter all over
the algorithms.
Yesterday someone told me they knew
“gifts ADHD
brings” to the mind that “Capitalism obscures.” I
’d like to know,
wouldn’t you? I’d like that list, just, you know, for the sake of journalism. Nothing to do with self worth.
Not because my own
inattention gnaws, hungry. I’m building self-worth. I follow so many
psychologists
and tarot readers
and astrologers
and burlesque dancers -
What do I want out of
life?
I’d like to dance again. I’d like to write a gift that doesn’t feel unhewn. One might say, like my
English professor back when I in school trying to get somewhere
“I’d like to see something more…polished.”
Like the worry stones they
sell at import stores. Do you have one of those? They’re dimpled carefully to
feel exact -
"dumb as old
medallions to the thumb,” as Archibald MacLeish said. Sorry, it’s either
basic or pretentious to quote poets, or anyone outloud. I’m not trying to impress you. Its just I was sixteen when I read
“Ars Poetica”
and the phrase stuck with me like no lover ever has.
That too - I’d like
to be loved. To enchant
you -
may I draw attention to my
desk? I collect miniature horses. Actually, they are miniature figurines of regular horses. Notice the bonsai has a new leaf!
Do you like this skull?
The gilding is cheap. Its obviously not silver – could you imagine if it was? I
like to point out its child-size, but with adult proportions. Size and ratios
are two dimensions we don’t think about too much -
What is it I thirst for? Water, mostly. Publication. Most submission dates pass
by with friendly nods and I try not to feel bad. Next time, I say, next time I’ll be ready. Clouds dream along
& dissipate. I lay in the sun
too often, according to this planner. I’ve
kept a planner since I was seventeen. I’ve kept my anxieties caged, lined up it but they’re
rowdy and sometimes escape in long scrawls to whiteboards my roommates can see. “”Anxiety lists”
a roommate called them, then left me $1,200 short on rent and ditched.
My hands are constantly marking
and being marked. In my family’s house I was known for inescapable pen stains
and a messy room
and being a girl. “Clean this up before I step
on it,” you know the drill – boring into
you over and over until the inner artist crumples up like a bad first draft
into the bin. No second draft is written, just catalogues of all that childish suffering
in blue BIC pen, wide-ruled
notebooks from Christian publishers, curlique quotes about the Lord crossed
with scrawling-
“For His
eyes intently watch all who live good lives…I HATE MY MOM”
At some point the traumas of everyone and their mother get dragged
into some shadow box, slapped with color, and
labeled Poem. Poet. Work. Collection. Artist. Creative. Fool. Joker. Jack. Why
not get it over with, I say.
If you wear too many hats are you wearing any hats at all? At what point does
streetwear slip into a costume, Facebook ‘vulnerability’
balloon into tabloid autobiography?
Is emotion the performance of something more real (a feeling)? Is a poem a
feeling? We sell feelings. Where’s Cinderella in your life? Who’s the wicked
mother? Who is the audience? What role are you playing? Where’s the stale
popcorn? What wasteful bastard left
trash in all your aisles? Do
you think movie theater sex is ethical?
I want to know.
Have you ever eaten from an abandoned plate in a diner or snuck fountain soda
in your ‘water cup’ while the cashier looked the other way?
Was it from hunger, or
desire? Is desire just hunger in a different organ?
Is it as inarguable? Is propriety a juror’s panel for the contest: Best Lived Life? I real wonder what we
get for competing. What’s in it for us? If I could rehearse and deliver answers,
as sharable captions, would you fuck me? If you fucked me would you love it,
would you love all these scattered piles of half-remembered tasks, would you
sweep
me on the bed with the
crumbs and tracked cat litter and leaking, staining pens,
hold a finger to my lips,
push it into my mouth, would your tongue join it, would you just hush me,
take me
give my body
some fucking stage directions?